roar blah blah

i just seem to feel lately that i will soon be looking up or down and not know if im in the middle.

i know that at the state of things all of the happening can e told and figured out and explained and understood.

advice is only taken in a way of conversation than actual thankful appreciative help.

i stay up late at night not because im not tired but because i cant seem to think sleeping is the more comfortable thing.

watching television and movies is more relaxing than dreaming or laying alone in a large mattress that is covered with sheets that don't reflect any part of me.

daily routines are lost, but i know i am not the only one.

overly converting the ideas of current situations is only confidently extorted by squeezing eyes so tight you get a headache at your temples.

i wish that there was a weightlessness in my future.

if one was in my stomach i'm sure they would be as sick as i am of what is in there.

nyc soy dog

i haven't written in here for months.
i just finished devouring a soy dog nyc style for better burger.
the veggie chili i ordered i could not finish.

i just want to puke.
not because of a bad lunch settling, my lunch was quite good.

but i think you knew that.

cupcake and chipotle

trying to take a shower when your in need of hot water and there is none available is quite the task. 

bought a cupcake from that bakery i have stared at since i've moved in. got it on my way home from work. also picked up chipotle.

watched movie that was borrowed. 

talked to california. 

once together again there will be tears of joy. 

today was my day back to the real job. 

fake bubbles that are now perceived as real are not for me. 

enjoyment

the enjoyment of this week of difference compared to the bubble that i have made for myself in nyc, is not going over well.

although what was thought to be a positive new opportunity to experience what has lead many to drop pounds as well as dollars. the creation is what is my main interest. the afterthought that society brings is unfortunate. for a piece of artwork in garment form should not distill such outcome. 

this is why i am counting down the days.

headaches and ruffles

there is nothing else left to do but wait, i have been in this bubble that has been made and cared for. is it time for it to pop? i feel that in order for myself to step outside of what has made me, another must needle my fragile structure.

there is a hamster named anna, she is grey and lovely. she cleans herself obsessively to make a good impression on others. 

flowering tea is relaxing.

convenience can be structured in a way that surfaces destruction.

ruffle chips can be held for ransom. 

headaches have occurred, reformatting my system is needed.

irritability has taken over from moments of suffering and recollection of the past.

others look conveniently away, for who wants to see destruction surface.

lengthen

i'm dying.

i know you are too, and the rest of the world around us.
slowly deteriorating.

but i know if i wasn't at home. which every day im here im feeling like my soul is trying to crawl out of my body. i could possibly lengthen my time on this planet. 

the clicking fan

as far as i know they knocked on my door after my leaving to work this morning and woke her up. buckets and water apparently were involved. the clicking hasn't stopped. what i have trained myself to think of as a clock, is now make me want to crawl out of my skin. 

we watched many many episodes of daria after bad internet service while watching stan marsh sing many songs including happy birthday and songs i learned on the recorder in third grade. it was strange watching the show that my dad has defined as the story of our lives. the ring does not look like a beaver. he is not good with mobile objects that capture human movement. mcdonalds milkshake are quite the staple. pancakes at tick tock were not what i was anticipating. it was unfortunate. this mornings 'santa fe' omelette made me want to sing the song from rent. i knew if i did she would never forgive me. not that she wouldn't be surprised. being that i thought she was talking about her when she stated how one was in the same clothes as yesterday. even though i knew the attire that was in her body was indeed not what she was wearing yesterday, i figured she just didn't realize. then i realized about ten minutes later she was taking about my light blue heather knit dress and black tights w/cashmere sweater that i have lived my high school life in. the cashmere sweater. not the tights or dress.

i should not enjoy the movie gia as much as i do.

is it a problem that i tend to identify with those who are mentally ill as well as addicted to chasing the dragon?

i realized that the spoiling of people that i care for is a strange way of a puppy like face stating love me in fifty-four different ways. i may as well be standing in a corridor outside of my nyc apartment naked yelling "don't leave, don't leave, i'll make you breakfast." 

the insignificant is starting to be significant. i guess that happens time to time. when you don't expect something to show you a new way of thought process, they do. but i've learned staring at it doesn't make it any more significant that its thought to be. i've also learned that focusing on it won't make sense out of it. 

when calling what is supposed to be the place where i am most comfortable it sent me into a state of realization that i am going to back to what can be considered hell. she's not going to be on time, and the clicking isn't stopping. the clicking won't stop for awhile. the clicking will follow me and make me crawl out of my skin until the significant gestures let me feel safe again.