lengthen

i'm dying.

i know you are too, and the rest of the world around us.
slowly deteriorating.

but i know if i wasn't at home. which every day im here im feeling like my soul is trying to crawl out of my body. i could possibly lengthen my time on this planet. 

the clicking fan

as far as i know they knocked on my door after my leaving to work this morning and woke her up. buckets and water apparently were involved. the clicking hasn't stopped. what i have trained myself to think of as a clock, is now make me want to crawl out of my skin. 

we watched many many episodes of daria after bad internet service while watching stan marsh sing many songs including happy birthday and songs i learned on the recorder in third grade. it was strange watching the show that my dad has defined as the story of our lives. the ring does not look like a beaver. he is not good with mobile objects that capture human movement. mcdonalds milkshake are quite the staple. pancakes at tick tock were not what i was anticipating. it was unfortunate. this mornings 'santa fe' omelette made me want to sing the song from rent. i knew if i did she would never forgive me. not that she wouldn't be surprised. being that i thought she was talking about her when she stated how one was in the same clothes as yesterday. even though i knew the attire that was in her body was indeed not what she was wearing yesterday, i figured she just didn't realize. then i realized about ten minutes later she was taking about my light blue heather knit dress and black tights w/cashmere sweater that i have lived my high school life in. the cashmere sweater. not the tights or dress.

i should not enjoy the movie gia as much as i do.

is it a problem that i tend to identify with those who are mentally ill as well as addicted to chasing the dragon?

i realized that the spoiling of people that i care for is a strange way of a puppy like face stating love me in fifty-four different ways. i may as well be standing in a corridor outside of my nyc apartment naked yelling "don't leave, don't leave, i'll make you breakfast." 

the insignificant is starting to be significant. i guess that happens time to time. when you don't expect something to show you a new way of thought process, they do. but i've learned staring at it doesn't make it any more significant that its thought to be. i've also learned that focusing on it won't make sense out of it. 

when calling what is supposed to be the place where i am most comfortable it sent me into a state of realization that i am going to back to what can be considered hell. she's not going to be on time, and the clicking isn't stopping. the clicking won't stop for awhile. the clicking will follow me and make me crawl out of my skin until the significant gestures let me feel safe again. 

black heads

after coming home from a loving afternoon with my former roommate i have realized after a depressing movie about lost love and connection that i have to buy pore strips at duane reade before tomorrow morning. being that tomorrow morning i need to look my best, as my grandmother stated "you have to look like you walked out of your park avenue apartment and got dropped off by your personal car service rather than the A C or E train." i am currently wearing one on my nose at the moment.

while on my commute home i was pondering.

pondering about how not much makes sense until it is defined, yet defining it isn't necessarily the actual meaning. as another night rolled around where i was in a state of strange consequence all i could think of was how at peace i was for not yelling at myself every minute, or picking the situation apart every second. is that why i find it a comfort? of that that isn't formally what is right in the thoughts of the past as well as the current thoughts of others.

all i know is whenever comfort leaves i tend to feel a dissociation within myself. 

the paper cut out of the night has been forgotten. 

let's roll around and see how long it takes until it's realized. 

ring of panda

i bought a ring that is a panda.

its a panda ring.

it is gold and crystal incrusted.

i am in love.

i finished parsons fashion core forever.

rejoiced in form of a $200 panda ring.

rejoiced, rejoiced, rejoiced.

greasy chips and scratched dvds

waking up this morning wasn't the struggle i thought it was going to be, after rolling out of bed and exchanging glances to the nonsignificant i did the typical morning routine. as i didn't finish my paper last night i sat down to finish the paper that has caused the cringe on my existence the last week and a half. got to work late, did mostly nothing at work. ate indian food for lunch. did a crappy presentation for ernesto and wandered back to my bat cave.

where i ate a whole bag of chips with dips upon dips of sour cream and onion. 

pb&j on whole wheat bread.

four mallowmars. 

in the course of 3 previews before cassandra's dream which was too scratched to even watch.

netflix beware.

instead i watched david and lisa, which i enjoyed.

i don't want to do work, but it's only 8:30 so i have time to procrastinate.

synaesthesia

if i can only let you in on the complete and utter procrastination of a paper on a topic that i adore. i could only guess that the reasoning behind this is my absolute denial of all skills known within writing research papers. 4.5 pages down 3.5 pages to go. i have a migraine. i just took a shower.

this paper was do a week ago.

ethan isaac wants a ninja for christmas.

no, not an action figure.

an actual living ninja.