the clicking fan

as far as i know they knocked on my door after my leaving to work this morning and woke her up. buckets and water apparently were involved. the clicking hasn't stopped. what i have trained myself to think of as a clock, is now make me want to crawl out of my skin. 

we watched many many episodes of daria after bad internet service while watching stan marsh sing many songs including happy birthday and songs i learned on the recorder in third grade. it was strange watching the show that my dad has defined as the story of our lives. the ring does not look like a beaver. he is not good with mobile objects that capture human movement. mcdonalds milkshake are quite the staple. pancakes at tick tock were not what i was anticipating. it was unfortunate. this mornings 'santa fe' omelette made me want to sing the song from rent. i knew if i did she would never forgive me. not that she wouldn't be surprised. being that i thought she was talking about her when she stated how one was in the same clothes as yesterday. even though i knew the attire that was in her body was indeed not what she was wearing yesterday, i figured she just didn't realize. then i realized about ten minutes later she was taking about my light blue heather knit dress and black tights w/cashmere sweater that i have lived my high school life in. the cashmere sweater. not the tights or dress.

i should not enjoy the movie gia as much as i do.

is it a problem that i tend to identify with those who are mentally ill as well as addicted to chasing the dragon?

i realized that the spoiling of people that i care for is a strange way of a puppy like face stating love me in fifty-four different ways. i may as well be standing in a corridor outside of my nyc apartment naked yelling "don't leave, don't leave, i'll make you breakfast." 

the insignificant is starting to be significant. i guess that happens time to time. when you don't expect something to show you a new way of thought process, they do. but i've learned staring at it doesn't make it any more significant that its thought to be. i've also learned that focusing on it won't make sense out of it. 

when calling what is supposed to be the place where i am most comfortable it sent me into a state of realization that i am going to back to what can be considered hell. she's not going to be on time, and the clicking isn't stopping. the clicking won't stop for awhile. the clicking will follow me and make me crawl out of my skin until the significant gestures let me feel safe again.